Lefty and Shorty

Lefty, Shorty, and SOTU

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

Last evening Lefty and Shorty just came on at midnight for the graveyard shift at the Gulf Station.   Rain was falling from the heavens at an accelerating pace, cold air was rolling in and cars were not.  Shorty- Why do we stay open all night?  Lefty- So that you and I can discuss President Biden’s State of the Union(SOTU) Address.

Lefty sat to the left of Shorty.  Imagine that.  Shorty sat on the shorter of the two “halves” of the 55-gallon drum.  Imagine that.  Each was cut down to size and retrofitted with a soft cushion top.

Lefty-Surely you watched it?   Shorty- Nope.  Lefty- Well, you missed a 75-minute ramble. Shorty- What did our Prez have to say?  Lefty- He said we’ll only need oil and gas for ten more years.  Shorty- Then what?  Lefty- It will all be electric. Shorty- I guess we’ll be known as the fossils of fuel then.

Lefty- Maybe the government will retrain us, but shouldn’t all Americans have a right to choose?  Shorty- Women do.  Lefty- Not that kind of choice, the choice between electric and gas.  Shorty- My car, your choice.  My body, my choice.  My vax, your choice.

Shorty- Will they at least wave the non-compete clause in our contract?  Lefty- He said he was going to get that done for the fast food workers. Shorty- He said that?   Lefty-Yep.  Shorty- What did the Republicans say about that? Lefty- They laughed.

A peaceful pause. Then.

Shorty- Did Biden address the cows? Lefty- No. But he did say “make no mistake, if you try anything to raise the cost of agmananpklmagathpolcod, I will veto it.” Cows? Shorty– Easy for him to say.  Yes, are they done for too due to their bloated gassy emissions.  And, Bill Gates is buying up all of the farmland.

Lefty-This took a wrong turn.  Shorty- Bill Gates has the right to choose. Lefty- Choose what?  Shorty-Choose how he identifies.  Lefty- Um, ok, I’ll bite.  Why?  Shorty- He looks a good bit like a bloated gassy cow himself these days. Maybe his new pronouns are how, now, brown, and cow. Lefty- Lord. Shorty- Kamala said the root cause of that spare tire he carries around might be the 43 fossil-fueled jet trips he took to Epstien’s island just to have those dinners with Jeffrey that he doesn’t regret.

Lefty- Ok, moving on.  Shorty- Did he attack gas-burning stoves?  Lefty- I don’t think…  Shorty- We won’t need them anyway if there are no more farms or red meat.

A not so peaceful pause.  Then.

Lefty- Well, do you want to know how the bipartisan evening ended?  Shorty- Let me guess.  Viewers from the western tip of Alaska to the southeast Atlantic Coast watched it go poof into the night much like the Chinese Spy Balloon.

Lefty- No, well, maybe, but Sarah Huckabee Sanders gave the Republican rebuttal.  Shorty- So she shot it down?  Lefty- Um.  Shorty- Are rebuttals gassy, too? Lefty- She said that we have a choice between normal and crazy and at this moment I can surely relate.

A long pause.  Then.

Lefty- I’m going to refill the soda machines.  Shorty- Need help?  Lefty- Yes, you do.

 

Lefty and Shorty Talk Fauci

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

Last evening Lefty and Shorty were all but ready to close the Gulf Station.   Rain was falling from the heavens at an accelerating pace, mosquitoes were rolling in and cars were not.  Shorty- Why do we stay open until midnight?  Lefty- So that you and I can discuss one of the most influential people of the 21st century, Dr. Anthony “Tony” Fauci, who announced that he was retiring before the November midterms.

Lefty sat to the left of Shorty.  Imagine that.  Shorty sat on the shorter of the two “halves” of the 55-gallon drum about six feet apart.  Imagine that.  Each was cut down to size and retrofitted with a soft cushion top.

Lefty-  Can you believe what world influence he wielded? Shorty-  Meh. He was a not-so-great actor on a big stage with a constantly changing script. Lefty- Umm.  An actor?  Shorty-  Yes, actor.  But, he was not close to the best “Tony” actor of the last 22 years.   Lefty- I can’t believe you think…  Shorty- The best “Tony” actor had the last name of Soprano, Tony Soprano.

Lefty- What in the world does Tony Soprano have to do with Fauci.?  Shorty- They were similar.  Lefty- Wow! Go on.  Shorty- Well, one was tall and fat, the other short and thin, but.. Lefty- But what?  Shorty- Tony hired men to take a shot at hundreds.  Fauci hired Pfizer to give a shot to millions.

Lefty- Please.  Shorty- Tony was a habtual liar.  Fauci was too.  Lefty- Come on.  Fauci was following the science.  Shorty-  No, Fauci was following the money, same as Tony.  Both had huge egos.  Fauci wanted you to follow the scientist, not the science.  His act is now all played out.

Lefty- I can’t believe…Shorty- There’s more.  Lefty- God forbid!  Shorty- They both had women costars that acted subserviently.  Tony had Carmela, and Fauci had Dr. Birx.  Lefty- This should be interesting.  Shorty- Camela lied for Tony.  Birx lied for Fauci.  Lefty- I see.  Shorty- And, they both liked scarves.  Birx wore one every day.  Lefty- I’ll bite, what about Carmela?  Shorty- Once Tony had to buy back her loyalty after another dalliance and got her a Hermes scarf. She showed it off to all of her friends mispronouncing it as “her me’s. Lefty- So?  Shorty-  Unknowingly, pronoun identity may have begun right then and there.

Lefty- One of us could use a mafia necktie right about now.  Shorty- Fauci said that he wasn’t retiring, he was just going to the next chapter of his life. Lefty- Here’s a softball.  What do you think that might be?  Shorty- The N95 Masked Singer, what else?  But, he might also get to work with Rand Paul soon.

Lefty- What else?  Fifteen minutes of my life, I’ll never get back.  Lock the place up, I’m out.  Shorty-  Well, at least we socially distanced tonight.

 

Lefty, Shorty, Alec, and Colonel Jussie

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

Last evening Lefty and Shorty were all but ready to close the Gulf Station.   Rain was falling from the heavens at an accelerating pace, the fog was rolling in and cars were not.  Shorty- Why do we stay open until midnight?  Lefty- So that you and I can discuss the life and times of Jussie Smollett.

Lefty sat to the left of Shorty.  Imagine that.  Shorty sat on the shorter of the two “halves” of the 55-gallon drum. Imagine that.  Each was cut down to size and retrofitted with a soft cushion top.

Lefty-  Can you believe what a bad actor he turned out to be? Shorty-  I canceled Netflix months ago, what did I miss?   Lefty- Umm.  Are you not aware of his arrest?  Shorty- I must have missed the scroll at the bottom of ESPN.    Lefty- Are you from Colorado, cause it seems like you live under a big rock?  Shorty- The Boulder State?  No.  Too cold.

Lefty- Speaking of cold, let me bring you up to speed.  Jussie wrote, produced, directed, and acted in his own attack in Chicago at 4 AM on a freezing, snowy night.   Shorty- Sounds like a believable plot.  Lefty- He paid two black guys $3500 to put on white face and hoods, put a noose around his neck, scream MAGA and the n-word, and attempt to kill him. Shorty- Did they?  Lefty– No.  Shorty- If you want the job done right maybe you hire Alec Baldwin?  Lefty– Too soon.  Way.

Shorty– Why was he out there to begin with?  Lefty- He said he was going to Subway.  Shorty-  That’s dumb. The L train is elevated.   Lefty-  Jeez, not that kind of subway.  Subway Deli, like Eat Fresh!  Shorty- It can’t be too fresh at four AM, can it?  Lefty- Not only not fresh, he and his five-dollar foot long were probably frozen too.  Shorty– Frozen 2!  No way Disney puts him in that movie now.  Lefty- Dear Lord!

Fifteen seconds of utter silence feels like 15 minutes.

Lefty- Well did you at least hear about the trial? Shorty- The Rittenhouse one? Innocent.  Lefty- NO!  The Smollett one. Guilty on five of six charges.  Shorty-  For his final act did he at least take the stand in his own defense? Lefty- Yes.  And, he tried to weave quite the coverup tail.   Shorty- Call him Colonel Nathan R. Jussie? Lefty- I guess we could.  Shorty- What did the prosecution say?  Lefty- You can’t handle the truth.  Shorty-  CNN is not a good movie critic.  They said he was only guilty of “some” charges.  Five of six sounds like “almost all.”

Lefty- His acting career is over.   Shorty- Nah.  Hollywood will need someone to play an SUV in a soon-to-be-made movie.  Lefty- A what?  Shorty- CNN keeps reporting that an SUV ran over parade-goers in Waukesha.  Lefty- How can you “act” like an SUV?    Shorty- I’d start by studying the “mostly peaceful” protesters in a city near you.  Then, I’d consult with Don Lemon daily during the project.

Lefty- I’m OUT!  Lock up.  Shorty-  That’s what they’re going to do to Colonel Jussie.

 

Lefty and Shorty Tackle the World’s Issues

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

If Lefty and Shorty were still with us last evening might have unfolded like this.

Lefty and Shorty sat quietly in the cool but nice fall air.  It was 10:30 PM, and cars were nowhere to be found.  Lefty- Why do we even stay open this late?  Shorty- I guess so that we can discuss this crazy world that we live in today.

Lefty sat to the left of Shorty.  Imagine that.  Shorty sat on the shorter of the two “halves” of the 55-gallon drum. Imagine that.  Each was cut down to size and retrofitted with a soft cushion top.

Lefty- What about Iran?  Shorty- How far?  Lefty- Iran, the country.  Shorty- I knew you were quite the runner in high school, but cross country at your age?  Lefty- Stay with me.  Iran, the country, was identified by the FBI as interfering in our election.  They sent threatening emails to Democratic-leaning voters saying they would be harmed if they didn’t vote for Trump.  Shorty-  Good idea, wrong candidate if you ask me.  Iran must lean to the left, Lefty.  Lefty- Russia is at it again, too, they said.  Shorty- Seems like they get blamed for everything.

Lefty decided a long pause might reset the dialogue.

Lefty- At least China isn’t accused.  Shorty- They already did more than Iran and Russia combined.  Lefty- How so?  Shorty-  They gave us the China virus.  That’s the most divisive topic across our country today. Lefty- The China virus?  Shorty- That’s what Trump calls it.

Lefty- Let’s change gears shall we?  Shorty-  It’s too late.  That car can wait till the morning.  Lefty-Ummmm.  I meant let’s talk about something else.  Shorty- Ok.

Lefty- What do you think about Hunter?  Shorty- As long as people eat what they kill I think it’s fine.  Lefty- Don’t put ideas in my head.  Shorty- Huh?  Lefty-  I’M TALKING ABOUT HUNTER BIDEN.  Shorty-  Ah, I guess China gave us the virus and gave Hunter 10 million or so.   Bad for our country, but good for him.   Lefty- Where’s the proof of that?  Shorty- In a big safe in daddy Joe Biden’s basement I’d guess.  Why else would he spend so much time down there?

Lefty- Amy Coney Barrett is going to get voted through to the full Senate today.  Shorty- To replace Ruth Bader Ginsberg.  Lefty- Yes.  Shorty- Why do all Supreme Court justices always get referred to by their full names?

Lefty took the deepest of deep breaths.

Lefty- Are you going to watch the debate tomorrow night?  Shorty- No, I won’t.

Lefty- I’m going to refill the soft drink machine.  Shorty- I’ll help.  Lefty- No, you won’t.

 

 

Lefty And Shorty-Gas, Horse, Beer

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

If Lefty and Shorty were still with us last early evening might have unfolded like this.

Lefty and Shorty sat quietly in the cool but nice spring air.  It was only 6:30 PM, and cars were nowhere to be found.  Lefty- Why do we even stay open this late?  Shorty- I guess so that we can discuss this crazy gas station business world that we live in today.

Lefty sat to the left of Shorty.  Imagine that.  Shorty sat on the shorter of the two “halves” of the 55-gallon drum. Imagine that.  Each was cut down to size and retrofitted with a soft cushion top.

Lefty- Why do you even say that?  Shorty- I don’t get it.  Lefty- You don’t get what?  Shorty- I don’t get why nobody’s getting gas anymore.  Lefty- Maybe it’s because nobody’s driving anywhere right now?  Shorty-Why do you move my chair every time I get up?  Lefty- Social distancing.  Shorty- Antisocial huh?  Lefty-Yep, you don’t get it.  And, hopefully, I won’t get it because you don’t get it.

Only two cars passed by during what should be a busy time.  Shorty looked a bit sad.

Lefty- Do you miss the NBA?  Shorty- Like a grease monkey misses an oil change.  Lefty- The NBA might be going to H-O-R-S-E.  Shorty- Great, even fewer people driving.  Lefty- Wow.  NO! I mean they might start playing one on one games of Horse as they did way back when.  Shorty- Really?  Cool.  I remember. Lefty-  The best was Pistol Pete Maravich and nobody was even close.  Shorty- Do you think he could have beaten Curly Neal? Lefty- We’ll never know.  Shorty- Who had the better hairdo?  Lefty- Um.  Shorty- One had a mop and the other had a cue ball.

Lefty- Pistol died way too young and Curly just passed.  Shorty- Curly was a ball hog.  He dribbled a lot more than passed. Lefty- wha…

Shorty- I’m going to restock the cooler before we lock up.  Do you want anything?  Lefty- Beer to go. I need to forget this conversation as soon as I can.  Shorty- What one?  Lefty- Anything is fine, but none that begin with the letter C.

Lefty and Shorty- Hopeless Romantics

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

If Lefty and Shorty were still with us early this morning might have unfolded like this.

Lefty and Shorty sat quietly in the quite cool but early spring air.  It was only 5:30 AM, and cars were nowhere to be found.  Lefty- Why do we open up so early?  Shorty- So that we can discuss what the meaning of Valentine’s Day is of course.

Lefty sat to the left of Shorty.  Imagine that.  Shorty sat on the shorter of the two “halves” of the 55 gallon drum. Imagine that.  Each were cut down to size and retrofitted with a soft cushion top.  Lefty looked confused-very.

Lefty- Why do you even bring that up today?  Shorty-Because today is Valentine’s Day.  Lefty looked at Shorty like a mechanic does to a blown engine.  Lefty-It is?  Shorty- Yes, it is. Lefty- No wonder I got the cold shoulder this AM. Shorty- You forgot to say Happy Valentine’s Day to Mrs. Lefty? Lefty- Um, yea.

Shorty- You better stop on your way home tonight and get her some chocolates and flowers.  Lefty- Flowers are worthless.  Shorty- Not to women, they have different sized vases for most any arrangement, and they know right where they are.  Lefty- And, she doesn’t need any chocolates. Shorty- Need has nothing to do with Valentine’s Day.  Lefty- It should.  Shorty- Trust me.

Lefty- Does your wife ever ask if the dress she is considering wearing makes her look fat?  Shorty- It’s the ultimate no win answer and its times 5 dangerous today.  Lefty- How do you answer?  Shorty- I pretend not to hear the question these days.  Lefty- Why?  Shorty- Once I told her ‘no, it’s all of the chocolates that you eat that does.’  Lefty- How did that go over?  Shorty- Not too good.  I wound up having to buy her flowers and chocolates to smooth it over.  Shorty- I guess I better do the same later today.  Lefty- Don’t forget the heartfelt card too or she’ll save that nugget and you’ll hear about it between now and roughly Memorial Day.

Shorty- At least MLB pitchers and catchers report to spring training today.

 

Lefty and Shorty Discuss Lefty and Tiger.

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

If Lefty and Shorty were still with us on Thanksgiving evening the night might have unfolded like this.

Lefty and Shorty sat quietly in the cool fall air.  It was nearly midnight and cars were nowhere to be found.  Lefty- Why do we stay open till midnight on Thanksgiving?  Shorty- So that we can discuss how Lefty is going to do Friday.  It’s a tall order.

Lefty sat to the left of Shorty.  Imagine that.  Shorty sat on the shorter of the two “halves” of the 55 gallon drum. Imagine that.  Each were cut down to size and retrofitted with a soft cushion top.  Lefty looked confused.

Lefty- How am I going to do Friday? And, what do you know about tall, Shorty?  Shorty- No.  Not you Lefty, the other Lefty.  Phil Mickelson.

Lefty- Phil Mickelson?  What’s he doing Friday?  Shorty- Haven’t you heard?  He is playing Tiger Woods in a winner take all 18 hole match.

Lefty- I haven’t heard anything about it.   Shorty- Worse yet, it’s on pay per view.

Lefty- How much?   Shorty- It’s $19.95 per household for you, and it’s nine million bucks for one of them.  Lefty- Somebody must be paying to watch.  Shorty-  Tiger has been paying since Thanksgiving 2005 when his ex-wife swung that nine iron through his back window and he crashed into the tree.

Lefty-  When is the last time Phil won any money?  Shorty-  In Vegas? Every now and then.  In a card game?  Twice a week.  In the Ryder Cup?  Maybe 1999.

Lefty- I won’t tune in Friday.  Shorty-  I might tune up my 57 Chevy.

Lefty- What happens if they play and no one pays to watch?  Shorty-  They’re about to find out.  It works for the LPGA.

 

Lefty and Shorty Discuss All That Is the NFL.

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

Last evening Lefty and Shorty were all but ready to close the Gulf Station.   Mosquitoes were everywhere and cars were no where to be found. Lefty- Why do we stay open until midnight?  Shorty-So that you and I can discuss the NFL.

Lefty sat to the left of Shorty.  Imagine that.  Shorty sat on the shorter of the two “halves” of the 55 gallon drum. Imagine that.  Each were cut down to size and retrofitted with a soft cushion top.

Lefty- New England has won more games and Super Bowls than anyone else, why can’t Tom Brady and Bill Belicheck get along? Shorty-They’ve worked together for 18 years.  That’s a long time.  I’m tired of working with your sorry butt after ten.

Lefty-Yes, but Tom Brady is the greatest ever.  Shorty- Tom Brady has had the most favorable rule changes to protect the statue of a QB that he is ever imagined.  Different eras are very hard to compare.  Only one thing is for certain.  No one cleans windshields like us anymore, no one.

Lefty- Well Bill Belicheck doesn’t appreciate him enough.  Shorty- So said my ex-wife and every wife to her husband since Y A Title completed his first forward pass.

Lefty- What rule changes?  Shorty- You cannot tackle the QB anymore.  He sits back fearlessly scouring the options to throw to.    It’s a pass first league.  It’s a mismatch WR or a Gronk TE type in space versus a DB who cannot cover.  It would be like me watching you having to defend Lebron.

Lefty- Is that why so many pass interference calls are made?  Shorty-Pass interference is the most punitive flag thrown.  It’s worse than forgetting the oil pan when changing the oil.

Lefty-Well at least there are a few new exciting teams this year.  Shorty- There are every year.  The game is built like NASCAR cars.  If you have a losing record in the prior year your schedule the next is easier.  Your draft position is higher.  You cherry picked good free agents from good teams.  Everything is designed to have all cars on the last lap with a chance to win.   Unless you get a nail in your tire you have a chance.

Lefty- Well wasn’t that crazy that Vontae Davis flat quit on his team and retired at halftime?  Have you ever seen anything like that?  Shorty-It reminds me of when we are tuning an engine together and you see the food truck pull up.

Lefty-Want to pick a game to bet against each other this week?  Shorty- Sure, I’ll take DA Bears minus five over the low flying Cardinals.  Lefty-Deal.

Lefty- And this time if I lose I promise to pay up.  Shorty- If you don’t you’ll need to enter the NFL concussion protocol.

Lefty- See you tomorrow Shorty.  Shorty- Unfortunately.

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