Lefty and Shorty

Lefty and Shorty-Gruden, Gas Prices, etc.

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

Last evening Lefty and Shorty were all but ready to close the Gulf Station.   Rain was falling from the heavens at an accelerating pace and cars were nowhere to be found. Lefty- Why do we stay open until midnight?  Shorty-So that you and I can discuss this wacky world.

Lefty sat to the left of Shorty.  Imagine that.  Shorty sat on the shorter of the two “halves” of the 55-gallon drum. Imagine that.  Each was cut down to size and retrofitted with a soft cushion top.

Lefty- Jon Gruden resigned.  Shorty- It’s about time somebody took ownership of the fiasco under the Del Rio Bridge.  Lefty- What? Gruden, the Raiders coach. Shorty- Oh!  Maybe Jack Del Rio can take over as interim?  Why did he resign?

Lefty- Umm.  Gruden’s 10-year-old emails exposed him as a racist, a bigot, a misogynist, and a few other names that I cannot spell.  Shorty- What do 10-year-old emails have to do with the high price of oil today? Lefty- I’m dumbfounded, but in today’s cancel culture world I guess everything.  Shorty-What does dumbfounded mean?   Lefty-  Look in the mirror much?  Shorty- I’ve called Roger Goodell a few names myself from time to time.   Lefty- Everyone that has an NFL pulse has, but “gotcha” got Gruden this time.   Shorty- Frank Caliendo lost a voice.

Lefty- Moving along.   Shorty-  What’s Biden doing about the high price of oil?

Lefty- Same as he’s doing for everything.  Calling it transitory.  Shorty- Isn’t transitory one of those bad names that exposed Gruden that you can’t spell?   Lefty- Huh?  No.  He’s saying it’s only temporary.  Shorty- Like his presidency?  Lefty- Whew, you must have slept well last night! Here’s a softball down the middle for you.  Do you think Kamala takes over if Biden doesn’t quite make the four years? Shorty-  Who is harder to find these days, Kamala Harris or Brian Laundrie?

Lefty- This isn’t going well.  Shorty- You mean the gas business?  Lefty- Sure. I’ll bite.  Shorty- How can it?  We don’t have enough help.  We don’t have enough gas.  And, the cost per gallon is about to hit a decade-high price. 

Lefty- Just one more question should do it.  What do you think of the Reconciliation Bill?  Shorty- Not much.  If I was Bill I’d stay as far away from Hillary as possible.

Lefty- Be sure to lock up.  Shorty- Bill?

 

 

Lefty and Shorty-Trials, Tribulations, and Turtles

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

Way way back in 1966, or 1967 Lefty and Shorty were the amiable service station attendants.  Well, that’s what they were called back then as every pump was full serve.   Boom Boom interacted with them as they checked the oil, washed the windshield, pumped the gas, and took the money.

Lefty sat to the left of Shorty.  Imagine that.  Shorty sat on the shorter of the two “halves” of the 55 gallon drum. Imagine that.  Each were cut down to size and retrofitted with a soft cushion top.

They were funny. They always had a back and forth to their banter.  If they were alive last night might have gone like this.

Lefty- It’s nearly midnight and it’s cold. Nobody’s buying gas at this hour.  Why are we sitting here?  Shorty- So we can flip back and forth between the impeachment trial and the Kansas St. versus Kansas basketball game.   Lefty- The Senate Trial is still going on at this late hour?  Shorty- Speaking of this late hour I’ve got this last car that pulled in.  They are good tippers. Lefty- Fine.

Five minutes later.

Lefty- You missed it!  Shorty- What?  Lefty-  They tried to hit the man with the chair.  Shorty- They tried to hit Chairman “Pencil Neck” Adam Schiff?  Lefty-  No. No. It was in the game.  Shorty- Oh.  Why did he do that?  Lefty- I guess he was tired of watching his opponent try to drain threes.  Shorty- I thought maybe they were tired of watching Schiff and Nadler obstruct Trump trying to drain the swamp.  Lefty- Jeez.

Shorty- What’s Trump on trial for again?  Lefty- It’s for abuse of power and obstruction of Congress.  Shorty-  Obstructing this Congress seems like a good idea.  Lefty- What?  Shorty- Doesn’t Mitch McConnell look like a bug eyed swamp fly that we clean off of windshields all day long?  Lefty- Please.  The irreverence.  Shorty- And Nadler, he looks like a snapping turtle.  I wouldn’t get between him and a late lunch.

Silence filled the air again.  Lefty, after some deep breathing and reflection, and against his better judgment, gave it one more go.

Lefty- What do you think the final outcome will be?  Shorty- It was 81-60 Kansas, remember.  Lefty- NO!  The outcome of the trial.  Shorty- I’m not sure.  The right is screaming “four more years” and they control the Senate.  Lefty- And?  Shorty- And the left is screaming “lock him up” but don’t have the votes.  It seems bogged down like a swamp.  And, America is running out of patience.    Lefty-  I know the feeling.  Maybe the chair will be useful after all.  Shorty- Schiff?  Lefty-  I’ll lock up.

Lefty- Big Game. Shorty- YUGE game.

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

Way way back in 1966, or 1967 Lefty and Shorty were the amiable service station attendants.  Well, that’s what they were called back then as every pump was full serve.   Dad interacted with them as they checked the oil, washed the windshield, pumped the gas, and took the money.

Lefty sat to the left of Shorty.  Imagine that.  Shorty sat on the shorter of the two “halves” of the 55 gallon drum. Imagine that.  Each were cut down to size and retrofitted with a soft cushion top.

They were funny. They always had a back and forth to their banter.  If they were alive last night might have gone like this.

Lefty- It’s after midnight and it’s cold. Nobody’s buying gas at this hour.  Why are we sitting here?  Shorty- So we can discuss the upcoming “Game of the Century, Part II.”   It’s AP #1 LSU v. #2 Alabama.  Lefty- Big Game.  Shorty- YUGE game.  President Donald J. Trump will be there.  Lefty- He will be?  Shorty-  For sure.  It’s in the Deep South.  It’s Deep State v. Deep State.  It’s his base.  Plus he likes cheers, not boos when his name is announced.

Lefty- Who’s he rooting for? Shorty- All of the deplorables in attendance I guess.  He won’t be partial.  He’ll likely wear some fresh orange with a red tide.  Lefty– That’s not impartial.  You must mean a red tie?  Shorty- No, there are no ties in college football, overtimes decide winners.  And Trump likes to win, win, win.

Lefty- Good lord.  Shorty- Well, who do you think is going to win?  Lefty- Tough call, but Joe Burrow is almost automatic operating out of the shotgun.  Shorty- Burrow’s lucky Beto O’Rourke isn’t refereeing.  He promised to take all of the damn guns.

Lefty- Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.  Shorty- Nope they can’t win.  They’re the only three that haven’t announced their candidacy for the Democratic nomination.  Lefty-  Ahem.  Let’s get back to the game, can we?  Shorty- Sure.  It’s going to be standing room only and one expensive ticket.  Lefty- I bet.  Shorty-  I just saw Elizabeth Warren tweet that if she were elected President the tickets would be free.

Silence filled the cold still air as Lefty checked his pulse rate.

Lefty- Well, one more time, who do you think is going to win?  Shorty-  I don’t know.  2011 is the last time LSU won.  That’s “Four More Years!” and “Four More Years!” ago.  Lefty-  Alabama’s defense usually stifles LSU.  Shorty-  That’s cause Nick Saban spends more on his defense budget than Trump does on ours.  Lefty- I’ll play along.  What else?  Shorty-  Well a few reporters asked Joe Biden what he thought of the upcoming game.  Lefty-  Sure they did.  What did he have to say?  Shorty- Well, he said he remembered attending the LSU/Bama “Game of the Century, Part I” back in 2011 acting in his official role of Vice President.  Lefty- And?  Shorty- And, he wanted to wish both the Iowa Jayhawks and the Minnesota Wolverines great luck in Part II this Saturday night in their showdown in Tempe.

Lefty- I’m punching out before I punch you out.  Anything else?  Shorty- The teams are ranked one and two in the AP, but two and three in the College Playoff Poll.  Lefty- Who’s number one in that poll then?  Shorty-  It’s a tossup right now between Joe, Bernie, and Elizabeth.

Lefty-  This has been a dumpster fire.  Shorty- I’ll empty the trash cans before I go.

Lefty and Shorty Debate the Debate.

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

If Lefty and Shorty were still with us their early morning banter might have gone like this.

Lefty and Shorty sat quietly in the still, humid, summer night air.  It was after 2 AM on their graveyard shift and cars were nowhere to be found.  Lefty- Why did we stay open 24 hours Shorty?  Shorty- So that we can discuss how the first of two Democratic Party debates went last evening.  It was a graveyard for many nominee hopefuls.

Lefty sat to the left of Shorty.  Imagine that.  Shorty sat on the shorter of the two “halves” of the 55 gallon drum. Imagine that.  Each were cut down to size and retrofitted with a soft cushion top.

Lefty- So you watched the two hour debate?  Shorty- Most of it.  I was flipping back and forth with the Commodores.

Lefty- What do you mean?  You were watching an old school concert, too?  Shorty- No.  The Vanderbilt Commodores won the NCAA Baseball National Championship.   Lefty– Oh.  OK.  I guess two straight hours with ten wanna be’s is indeed taxing.  Shorty– Don’t bring up taxing.  I heard it enough last night.  And, “straight” is an insensitive word.

Lefty- What did you think of the MSNBC and NBC broadcast?  Shorty- It was fine except when they had technical difficulties and had to cut away.  That was weird.  Lefty- The hot mics went cold and the cold mics ran hot.  Shorty-Climate change?  Lefty- Oh please.  Shorty- Was it the Russian interference they have all been talking about for two years?  Lefty-Oh please.  Shorty-Maybe Nadler can add it to his list of questions for the July 17 Mueller testimony.

Lefty- Ahem.  So what did you think of the polling leader in this first group, Elizabeth Warren?  Shorty- Well, at least when she spoke she did so in her native (American) tongue.  Lefty- Huh?  Shorty- Well Beto and Booker decided to spend half of their ten minutes of fame practicing their Rosetta Stone Spanish.  Lefty-It was televised on Telemundo as well.  Shorty– Don’t they have closed captioned translating English to Spanish?

Lefty- Good grief.  Moving on, how about Ohio Rep Tim Ryan?  Shorty- If Tim Ryan fell in a forest and no one heard it, would it be sound?  Lefty- This is going well. Shorty-Saving Rep Ryan isn’t coming to a theater near you soon.  Lefty- Did you like any performance?  Shorty- I thought NY Mayor Bill DeBlasio stood tall.  Lefty- Interesting.  Shorty- He must be at least six foot four, and he proved that he is no paper straw man.

Lefty- Former Maryland Rep John Delaney seemed reasonable.  Shorty- He did.  He just looks too much like Tim Conway.  Dorf on debate.  Lefty- You’re irascible Shorty.  Shorty- At least I don’t look and sound angry about everything like Booker.

Lefty- Did anyone do well through your jaundiced eyes?  Shorty- Former HUD Secretary Julian Castro did.  Lefty– Finally some progress.  Shorty- Progressive.

Lefty- How did Washington Governor Jay Inslee do?  Shorty- Who?  Lefty- I guess not so well. Shorty– Was he the one near the far right end of the stage that kept raising his hand?  Lefty- That’s him!  Shorty-  He must have wanted to be excused to go to the genderless bathrooms provided.

Lefty-  This is your last chance.  Did you find it odd that in two hours not one shot was taken at front runner Joe Biden?  Shorty- He likely would not have heard it anyway.  He was probably sleepy eyed by then.

Shorty– One debate in, and America is so done with seven or so of these hopefuls.  Lefty- And, for now, I am so done with you.

Lefty and Shorty Discuss Lefty and Tiger.

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

If Lefty and Shorty were still with us on Thanksgiving evening the night might have unfolded like this.

Lefty and Shorty sat quietly in the cool fall air.  It was nearly midnight and cars were nowhere to be found.  Lefty- Why do we stay open till midnight on Thanksgiving?  Shorty- So that we can discuss how Lefty is going to do Friday.  It’s a tall order.

Lefty sat to the left of Shorty.  Imagine that.  Shorty sat on the shorter of the two “halves” of the 55 gallon drum. Imagine that.  Each were cut down to size and retrofitted with a soft cushion top.  Lefty looked confused.

Lefty- How am I going to do Friday? And, what do you know about tall, Shorty?  Shorty- No.  Not you Lefty, the other Lefty.  Phil Mickelson.

Lefty- Phil Mickelson?  What’s he doing Friday?  Shorty- Haven’t you heard?  He is playing Tiger Woods in a winner take all 18 hole match.

Lefty- I haven’t heard anything about it.   Shorty- Worse yet, it’s on pay per view.

Lefty- How much?   Shorty- It’s $19.95 per household for you, and it’s nine million bucks for one of them.  Lefty- Somebody must be paying to watch.  Shorty-  Tiger has been paying since Thanksgiving 2005 when his ex-wife swung that nine iron through his back window and he crashed into the tree.

Lefty-  When is the last time Phil won any money?  Shorty-  In Vegas? Every now and then.  In a card game?  Twice a week.  In the Ryder Cup?  Maybe 1999.

Lefty- I won’t tune in Friday.  Shorty-  I might tune up my 57 Chevy.

Lefty- What happens if they play and no one pays to watch?  Shorty-  They’re about to find out.  It works for the LPGA.

 

Lefty and Shorty Take Dead Aim at the Gun Debate

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

Way way back in 1964, or 5, or 6 I frequently made a Sunday PM trip to the Gulf Gas Station a couple of miles from our house.  I did not know it then, but it was on that road and back that my father (Boom Boom) began teaching his lessons of life to me.

Lefty and Shorty were the amiable service station attendants.  Well, that’s what they were called back then as every pump was full serve. Sunday’s were slow.  We had their full attention.   Dad interacted with them as they checked the oil, washed the windshield, pumped the gas, and took the money.  He tipped them as well.  They were the main characters in the first lesson I learned.  They were funny. They always had a back and forth to their banter.  And, they always had a kind word or three for me.

I’m gallantly attempting to write my first book.  Lefty and Shorty “star” in the first chapter.  What was the first lesson?  Sorry, you ‘ll have to wait for the book (my publicist, if I had one, would be SO proud).

If Lefty and Shorty were alive today their exchange based on recent events and subsequent headlines might go something like the below.

Lefty -All of these mass shootings need to stop.  The Pittsburgh synagogue is just the latest.  Shorty -How are you going to do that?  Lefty -Eliminate automatic weapons, like AK 47’s.  Shorty -AK 47’s aren’t automatic, they are semiautomatic.  And how would you eliminate them?  Lefty – Stop selling them. Shorty – The sale of them in the US has been illegal since 1986 legislation which attempted to put more teeth into the 1968 Gun Control Act.  Lefty -Then stop selling all assault type rifles.  Shorty -If you stopped selling ALL guns legally today there would be about 330 million in the US alone, or about one for every living American. Lefty -Then we should require background checks to be for an extended period of time before anyone can buy a gun.  Shorty – So if I buy a gun today I wait seven or more days, not four, to be cleared?  Lefty – Exactly.  Shorty – So if I buy it three days earlier than previously planned I can get it cleared the same time as I do today.  Lefty – Well then, since you know it all, what is the answer?  Shorty – Isn’t the problem that people just kill other people far too easily regardless of the weapon?  People kill with their hands, knives, blunt instruments, handguns, rifles, and semiautomatics.  Lefty -Go on.  Shorty -It’s like the war on drugs Lefty.  People only stop doing drugs when they want to stop.  Guns don’t kill people, people kill people.  Lefty – And?  Shorty -There are hundreds of millions of people who own guns, safely store guns, hunt, shoot at targets, and have them at the ready for safety reasons.  Lefty – Here goes the 2nd Amendment hide behind speech.  Shorty – It’s not a hide behind.  It’s an original amendment in the Bill of Rights.  Lefty – That was 250 years ago and was designed originally to provide protection from an overbearing or oppressive government.  Shorty -So because of the expressed original intent you don’t think the need is there anymore?  Lefty – No.  Shorty– Don’t you and your left leaning friends worry about President Trump and his “instability” as the head of the most powerful nation in the world?  Lefty – Yes.  Shorty – Then you should go buy a gun even if it takes seven days to clear, cannot be automatic, and does not have a buttstock. It’s your right you know.  Lefty-I’m going to fix a flat tire.

Lefty and Shorty Discuss All That Is the NFL.

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

Last evening Lefty and Shorty were all but ready to close the Gulf Station.   Mosquitoes were everywhere and cars were no where to be found. Lefty- Why do we stay open until midnight?  Shorty-So that you and I can discuss the NFL.

Lefty sat to the left of Shorty.  Imagine that.  Shorty sat on the shorter of the two “halves” of the 55 gallon drum. Imagine that.  Each were cut down to size and retrofitted with a soft cushion top.

Lefty- New England has won more games and Super Bowls than anyone else, why can’t Tom Brady and Bill Belicheck get along? Shorty-They’ve worked together for 18 years.  That’s a long time.  I’m tired of working with your sorry butt after ten.

Lefty-Yes, but Tom Brady is the greatest ever.  Shorty- Tom Brady has had the most favorable rule changes to protect the statue of a QB that he is ever imagined.  Different eras are very hard to compare.  Only one thing is for certain.  No one cleans windshields like us anymore, no one.

Lefty- Well Bill Belicheck doesn’t appreciate him enough.  Shorty- So said my ex-wife and every wife to her husband since Y A Title completed his first forward pass.

Lefty- What rule changes?  Shorty- You cannot tackle the QB anymore.  He sits back fearlessly scouring the options to throw to.    It’s a pass first league.  It’s a mismatch WR or a Gronk TE type in space versus a DB who cannot cover.  It would be like me watching you having to defend Lebron.

Lefty- Is that why so many pass interference calls are made?  Shorty-Pass interference is the most punitive flag thrown.  It’s worse than forgetting the oil pan when changing the oil.

Lefty-Well at least there are a few new exciting teams this year.  Shorty- There are every year.  The game is built like NASCAR cars.  If you have a losing record in the prior year your schedule the next is easier.  Your draft position is higher.  You cherry picked good free agents from good teams.  Everything is designed to have all cars on the last lap with a chance to win.   Unless you get a nail in your tire you have a chance.

Lefty- Well wasn’t that crazy that Vontae Davis flat quit on his team and retired at halftime?  Have you ever seen anything like that?  Shorty-It reminds me of when we are tuning an engine together and you see the food truck pull up.

Lefty-Want to pick a game to bet against each other this week?  Shorty- Sure, I’ll take DA Bears minus five over the low flying Cardinals.  Lefty-Deal.

Lefty- And this time if I lose I promise to pay up.  Shorty- If you don’t you’ll need to enter the NFL concussion protocol.

Lefty- See you tomorrow Shorty.  Shorty- Unfortunately.

.

Lefty-The WNBA 2018 Final Was Last Night. Shorty-The What?

Posted on by thependulumswings staff

In my best Al Pacino voice, ” let me introduce you to my two little friends, Lefty and Shorty.”  More on the WNBA finals that you didn’t know about in a minute.

Way way back in 1964, or 5, or 6, or 7 I frequently made a Sunday PM trip to the Gulf Gas Station a couple of miles from our house.  I did not know it then, but it was on that road and back that my father (Boom Boom) began teaching his lessons of life to me.

Lefty and Shorty were the amiable service station attendants.  Well, that’s what they were called back then as every pump was full serve. Sunday’s were slow.  We had their full attention.   Dad interacted with them as they checked the oil, washed the windshield, pumped the gas, and took the money.  He often tipped them as well.  They were the main characters in the first lesson I learned.  They were funny. They always had a back and forth to their banter.  And, they always had a kind word or three for me.

I’m gallantly attempting to write my first book.  Lefty and Shorty “star” in the first chapter.  What was the first lesson?  Sorry, you ‘ll have to wait for the book (my publicist, if I had one, would be SO proud).

If Lefty and Shorty were alive today their exchange might go something like the below.

Lefty–  The WNBA Finals were last night. Shorty- The what?  Lefty–The women’s professional basketball league, the WNBA.  Shorty- Oh.  Ok.  Lefty- The Seattle Storm beat the Washington Mystics 98-82.  Shorty– Who?  Lefty- The Storm swept them in the finals series three games to none.  Shorty- I heard about that storm named Florence that is about to hit the Carolinas.  Lefty- And that has exactly what to do with the basketball game?  Shorty– I think a lot more people are paying attention to that storm than the WNBA.  Lefty- You didn’t watch it?  Shorty- The storm coverage?  Lefty- NO.  The game.  Shorty- Fewer people? The final game last night or the Carolina beaches today?  Lefty- I’m going to fix a flat tire.

 

You’ll hear from Lefty and Shorty from time to time when a spirited debate is needed.

Lefty– Say bye for now Shorty.  Shorty– Bye for now Shorty.