Hopefully, all of your recent days were merry and bright.  Or, as Nancy Pelosi wished all, “Happy Shwanza!”

Now we march on to 2023.  Surely it will return us to some normalcy?  We’re due since 2020, 2021, and 2022 were duds.

Our new crystal ball (up 22% in cost year over year) gives us a look into months one through six of 2023 today.

January

The weather moderates as the December “bomb cyclone” moves out and the climate(always) changes to seasonal lows and highs.  Adam Schiff gets tossed off of every committee he is on as the Elephants take the House.  Michigan becomes National College Football Champions as they beat Georgia 33-28.  Elon Musk offers the job of CEO of Twitter to one Donald J. Trump.  Two NBC reporters are hospitalized for high blood pressure.  Trump announces that the offer is really “fake news.”

February

Adam Schiff announces that he’s resigning from the House to run for the Senate seat vacated by Diane Feinstein just before she turns 90.  The Philadelphia Eagles make the Cincinnati Bengals the bridesmaids for the second year in a row, 35-34.  Joe Biden exits stage left after prompting from Dr. Jill and after another left-leaning speech while still carrying the microphone.  The Fed realizes that they’ve gone too far too fast and shocks Wall St with a quarter-point rate cut.  The Dow goes up 898 points that day.

March

The Biden administration mandates mask on airplanes again. Joe exempts the crew and all passengers on Air Force One.   A Southwest spokesperson comments, “it matters not to us as we don’t fly anyway.”  Dr. Fauci takes the fifth on all House questioning, rolls up his sleeve for a fifth booster, then goes home and drinks a fifth.  Mitch McConnell puts together a little Ukraine relief bill offering 50 billion dollars. Volodymyr Oleksandrovych Zelenskyy says, ” I am saddened at the paltry amount of aid offered at this critical time. Dismayed, disillusioned, and disappointed might better reflect my feelings.”  The transitory inflation has a birthday.

April

Elon Musk puts in a hostile offer to buy NBC.  The NCAA Final Four is held in Houston and the hometown # 1 seeded Cougars cut down the nets after beating the #3 seed, North Carolina.  Tulsi Gabbard is in Florida as Ron DeSantis’ announces that he is running for President in 2024 and the rumor mill runs wild.  Joe Biden wishes everyone a Happy Fourth of July before going on an Easter egg hunt on the South Lawn.  LIV Tour member Patrick Reed is disqualified at The Masters for using a ball filled with tiny superballs.

May

Karine Jean-Pierre, the first black lesbian female WH press secretary, steps down.  When asked by reporters why, she flips pages in her binder and says, “I’ll have to circle back with you on that.”   An early summer “bomb cyclone” sweeps across the US spiking temps 25-30 degrees above normal.  Pete Buttigieg proposes that we tear up the current Interstate System, labeling the entire 46,876 miles of the highways as racist.  He also denies being related in any way to Pee Wee Herman.  KJP’s replacement, Joy Behar, assures us that the border is secure. The Yankee’s Aaron Judge hits his major league-leading 33rd home run on May 30th putting him on pace to hit 82.

June

As the calendar flips the Yankees trail Baltimore for first in the NL East by 5.  Oregon legalizes everything.  The Dow rolls on and reaches a two-year high at 36,743.  Joe Biden reassures America that the southern border is secure and recognizes Mexican officials for doing their part, “I want to especially thank the Royal Canadian Mounties.”  Arizona finishes counting votes in the 2022 Gubernatorial race.  Paul Pelosi hammers out a deal to become the hardware spokesperson for Home Depot.

The very accurate predictions for July through a December to remember will be published tomorrow or Friday.